Is perhaps a cure for my love.
Have you ever tried to love someone but have not been able to trust them completely?
Im not sure whats worse discovering that I am just as untrust worthy or that my love is misplace. Oh god it hurts so much. I have never done something so wrong as to snope like I did. What I say will sound like mere rationalisation. It probably is. I have broken the trust of someone I love even though I do not trust them. I tried but they hurt me before and the wound still won't heal. There is more detail in my earlyer enteries. I started seeing Jeff in August. On the first of september he called me in the middle of the night and said he was falling in love with me and then the next day he broke up with me to date some other girl. Then while calling himself my friend he lied to me for 2 months. A friend lied to me. Do people really think Im that stupid or out of the loop?
Though I have been wronged that is no excuse for the wrong I have commited. Today Jeff forgot to take a couple of files he needed so he got me to email them to him. I read Jeff's sent messages. I have done a horrible thing. Im sorry because it hurt me. And Im sorry because I know that it is wrong. And i amthat I am so weak that I could do such a thing. And I am sorry that what I have done may hurt others. I am even sorryier because for a breif moment I really wanted to hurt others.
I know see why sometimes Jeff says Im the one he loves the most. I wish I still remain confused. I really only read emails that occured between jeff and Melanie and Jeff and "Its me" who through what I have been told I think may be Debbie. First thing Jeff described Melanie to me as a stalker. Well hes told her he misses her he loves her he didnt use her. Oh things I myself have heard before. He also has been meeting up with her. I thought she had disapeared and that he was happy that he was free of hastle. I guess I was wrong. Some one is still lying to me. Then there is Debbie. or thats who it sounds like anyways. You know she wants to come to nanaimo punch me and steal Jeff away. At this moment the only thing I would take exception to is the punching me part. Also I would like to repeatedly beat her face into the wall. I would do it smiling. I would make her feel my pain. Jeff has told her he loves her too. Its not a platonic way. The wants to see her stuff I cant post here with out gaining an adult content rating.
I shall write more later I just called Jeff. I am a bad person but do I deserve this?